Regret
by chaostheorist
Summary: Set the night after Kate's drugging incident, she contemplates suicide for the first time, and comprehends her relationship with Jefferson, and touches on her thoughts of Nathan and Victoria. Oneshot.
I apologise for how eerie this fic is. I always had a theory that Kate and Jefferson had been engaging in a relationship that went further beyond teacher/student. This theory (as well as more theories relating to Victoria and Nathan) has been mostly summed up in this one shot surrounding Kate and her suicidal thinking.

I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I have enjoyed writing it. All constructive criticism and comments are welcome!

I looked up to the heavens, trying to be thankful for what I had, but I could not. It was 1am, which was an hour past curfew. I didn't care; I wanted to be alone. It's not like I was outside campus, I was just on the roof. All I could think of was how I couldn't go on; I couldn't face the next day, and I couldn't do this anymore. I needed it to end and the I needed the pain to stop. It was one day after it had happened. I remembered things that had happened that night sporadically, however I had been threatened to not say anything to anyone. Jefferson scared me so much, and there was nothing I could do. I had been drugged and who would believe me? I couldn't confide in anyone; they would think that I was a lunatic. Nothing before last night had ever been unwelcome.

For the past few months, Jefferson and I had been involved in a relationship that went beyond teacher-student engagement. I knew that it wasn't right, but he made me feel special and I swear that his touch was electric. Every time he touched me I jolted a little bit, as if he had given me an electric shock. It started off with him just touching my waist, or helping me to set up a camera or tripod.

It was dirty and so wrong, and I knew that, but he was like a drug to me. I couldn't help myself and I knew that I would never go beyond kissing him, but it was still a sin. I still couldn't believe that I was confiding in a man so much older than me, but he was one of my idols and when he offered to help and tutor me, I couldn't refuse. When he took things further, I still couldn't refuse. He was my teacher and I had never been so attracted to someone in my life. I was eighteen and falling in love; I didn't know any better.

Victoria picked up on it, and that's why she thrived off making my life a living Hell. Her constant bullying and harassment never went unnoticed from Jefferson, whom made no attempt to advance their relationship any further from student and teacher. I was so happy when he told me that he didn't want anyone else, but I was naïve enough to believe that he wasn't seeing anybody else; presumably somebody his age and suited to his high standard. I didn't hold anything against Victoria; I knew that she was just a jealous teenager who was desperate to make a name for herself in photography. I didn't hold anything against her best friend Nathan, either, especially after last night. When I was coming down, he was the one to drive me home. He carried me through the dorm rooms and lay me down outside my room. He didn't think that I was conscious and I wanted it to stay that way. I overheard Nathan and Jefferson talking in the Dark Room. Jefferson knew that I was somewhat aware of what was happening, and wanted to kill me. Nathan was the one who convinced him otherwise. I wish I could remember what he had said, but I knew that it didn't matter, because Nathan had saved my life. I didn't owe anything to him and he didn't say anything at school the next day, or even made eye contact with me. He practically ignored my existent. I wondered if it was because he had actually done something positive, and he wasn't used to that? Either way, I couldn't stand to live any longer when I thought about Jefferson being with anybody else. This had to end and I certainly did not want to confront him about it. I didn't want to confront him about him drugging me either. Remembering glimpses of me in all those compromising positions that he had placed me in was too much to bare. Therefore, the only way for this to end was to die.

I knew that he knew that I was upset about it. He kept trying to keep me back after class to talk about it, but I always told him I had to be somewhere. What was I supposed to say? I loved you and you betrayed me? I loved you and you drugged me? I love you and you were going to murder me? I honestly thought that I was going to die that night. I've never felt so scared and alone. It was so messed up because at random times a memory of that night would come flooding back to me and it was so vivid; a vivid memory that I wanted so badly to forget. That's why I was on the roof, I suppose. To forget the only way that I knew how, forever.

I knew that suicide was a sin, but I had already sinned, so how much worse could it get? I was already going to Hell; it couldn't possibly get any worse. I stood up to the ledge and looked down. I was in my pyjamas and my hair was out of it's usual bun. I moved my hair away with my shaky hand and held my other arm when my fringe was out of the way. The storm was getting stronger and I knew that it was time. This was it; this was how it would end.

This is not how I pictured my death, and this is certainly not how I pictured my life, either. Getting involved with my teacher was the biggest mistake that I had ever made, and going to that godforsaken Vortex Club party was also something I certainly regret.

As I edged closer to my death, thunder suddenly struck so loudly that it shook the ground. I got startled and slipped off the edge of the building. Reaching up with my hands to the sky, praying to God and screaming that I didn't want to die, I knew that it was too late. Is this how all people who commit suicide think? Is this what goes through their minds as their last thoughts? Do they regret it at their last moment, when it's too late?

Right before I smashed into the hard, concrete ground below me, my eyes opened and I shot right up out of my dream state. I wiped the sweat from my forehead as I became aware of my surroundings; My messy dorm room that I had started to neglect. Alice, my bunny, who I gladly would never neglect, and pictures of my family stared at me from all around my room. "Oh my, gosh," I whispered to myself as I rubbed my eyes. It was just a nightmare. Of course it was. I lay back down as my thoughts still haunted me. "Maybe I don't deserve to die," I said out loud, and as soon as I said it, I believed it, and fell right back to sleep.


End file.
